These Words
by halcyon x
Summary: There was no excuse for her choices, no light at the end of the tunnel. No, not for her. // Slight Jate, S1


**Title**: These Words

**Author:** halcyon x

**Disclaimer:** I do not own lost

**A/N:** I wrote this two years ago and found it in an old file. I've never posted this before but I hope you like it. Please tell me what you think

_GUILT. _

She scratched the five letters into the damp sand before her. Her long, wavy locks blew in the salty air around her, the innocent curves of her face being whipped by her tresses. The serenity was her façade, but the inner battle that she waged was slowly destroying her.

As her finger spelled out the word, the sand flaked off to the sides of trail, letting the word appear that it was scratched deeper than it actually was. Guilt. She felt the emotion every minute and every second of each day; it consumed her. She was guilty for what she did, what she did to every person she ever met. But the biggest burden she carried was because of him. She killed him, and at the same time she felt like she killed herself. She thought that he had saw through her. That was why he moved on, he saw what she was capable of. He was naïve, he always had thought of her as innocent little Katie.

And for that, he lost his life.

She had made up every excuse in the book, but she knew that there was no excuse. Everything led to one answer: she did it.

She killed him.

Guilt was who she was. She had done it to herself. She ruined her own life, and she would always bore the ugly scars of her wrongdoing. It was a permanent reminder of her mistakes. There was no cure for guilt.

She stared at the spot below where the words lay, memorizing the pattern the sand made: the swirls of darker grains mixed in with the neutral tans.

_ DARKNESS. _

Sometimes she felt like the tinted swirls. She would never blend in. No matter how many times she dyed her hair, how many names she went by, she was never like everyone else. Kate was different; her soul was painted black. She was the lowest a person could get. There was no excuse for her choices, no light at the end of the tunnel. No, not for her.

She lived in the dark, not knowing what laid ahead of her. She was stumbling blindly forward, toward her unknown fate. She called out for help only to be greeted with the echoes of her own weak voice, then silence. She didn't deserve it to be saved. No one would notice that she was gone. The world would be a better place.

Again, she formed another word below the previous two.

_LIES. _

In the beginning, it was a conscious act. She would pause before it slipped from her mouth. Cross her fingers, say a small prayer and hope that they believed it. They were little falsities. What she did for a living, how old she was.

Once she started, she couldn't stop. One lie after another, then another. It was like a drug and she was addicted. Little lies grew into something more, and then one day she started to believe what she said was true. The lies she recited were now told without a second thought.

Her name was Beth, she grew up in New Jersey. She had a perfect life, complete with two loving parents, a brother and sister. Beth had red hair and green eyes.. She was a high school educated woman with a job at the local laundromat. Beth didn't like cats. Her favorite color was yellow and favorite actor was Tom Cruise.

Beth wasn't a murderer.

Sometimes she felt as if she knew Beth better than she knew herself. It was better that way. She ran her finger over the gouges in the sand, making the words appear bolder than the rest.

A moment passed, and she wrote again:

_FEAR. _

She didn't like to think that she was fearful. The façade she created made her appear strong and tough. Sometimes she wished that the mask she wore was really her.

In truth, Kate had never went a day without the fear of being caught; taken away from the peculiar comfort she felt in her gloomy life. She feared confinement far worse than that of the darkness. Not knowing was better than knowing, sometimes.

She feared her future.

She feared her past.

And she feared every second that she was alive. The looks that she had received when people knew when they found out about her. About her past, the lies she told and still tell; what she had done. They pitied her. She disgusted them. They thought that her heart was made of stone. They feared her. But she doesn't blame them, she feared herself too.

_HATE._

"Hey." His hoarse whisper interrupts her trance-like state. She flinches slightly at the startling voice.

She closes her eyes to collect herself, to bring herself back from the thoughts that plagued her before replying to the greeting, "Hey."

She vaguely noticed him take a seat by her left. He was gazing out into an endless sea, while her eyes were transfixed on the four letter word carved into the ground. Without his line of sight faltering, he asked, "What's it for?"

She considers feigning ignorance, but a moment passes, and she simply shrugged her shoulders. Minutes went by, but neither were aware of time past as each were absorbed in their thoughts, the silence awkward yet comforting. Pulling her knees towards herself, she places her arms across her knees before resting her head atop them. Kate was resting so she faced the opposite direction, so she wouldn't have to meet his eyes as she spoke. Gazing out to the beach that seemed to go on endlessly, she watched the waves roll onto the shore giving off a strangely comforting repetitive, thunderous noise. She chewed on her bottom lip, an unbreakable nervous habit, before speaking.

"It's my past."

She knew he was always interested in what she had done. He didn't like not knowing. Even without seeing him, she knew she had just caught his attention. Jack didn't say anything; he knew he wanted her to get everything off her chest. He cares about her, and she doesn't want him to, the memories of Tom's death assault her mind and she blinks back the tears threatening to fall. At the same time, though, she feels something deep inside when he's around. She denies to herself that it is anything more than feeling safe or having a friend who was there. Kate picked at the sand that had annoyingly taken residence under her fingernail as she wrote. She snatched the opportunity for distraction gratefully, as she felt she had already said too much. Her instincts told her to flee, but something told her to stay. To tell him.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Jack nod. He did not speak, and she took this as her cue to continue. For the first time since he sat, he looks at her but she does not meet his gaze. She peers down to the five words fearfully. She took a deep breath before laying her finger to the left of the first word, guilt. "For Tom." Kate knows she doesn't have to explain; he knows. Moving a shaky finger down to the next word, she pauses and thinks for a moment before whispering, "Everything. Everything is surrounded by darkness." She skips the next word, he knows first-hand why it is there. He had been at the receiving end of many of her lies over the last few weeks. But he also knows that it is a part of her defense mechanism - to keep people away from the real Kate.

Now, her finger is hovering next to the letters which spelled 'fear'. "People fear me. I fear myself". The last word stood out like a sore thumb. There were so many ways she could describe why this word is there. She looks up at him for a moment, meeting his gaze before looking back at the extreme word. Before she could choose an answer, a particularly large rolled up the shore and erased the words from the sand, never to be recreated. But the shadow still remained, and she wasn't sure it would ever wash away for good.

Though her mood still dark, she felt lighter. She thought that maybe, through the darkness there was someone there after all. Someone who could rescue her.

_JACK. _


End file.
